When I arrived in Guatemala City, I went straight to the orphanage where my sister works. They have about 250 kids there, but Molly normally works with the bebes; kids six and under. I was excited to meet them, both because they look adorable in Molly's photos and because their level of Spanish proficiency would be closest to mine.

For my first day, I wore an authentic Guatemalan shirt that Molly had bought in Antigua. It has a picture of a smiling clown on the front, and is labeled "Payasos" (Clowns, en ingles). The huérfanos really liked the shirt, which let me show off my conversational skills.

Me: Hola, Ana. Yo soy el hermano de Molly.
Ana: (points at shirt) Payasos.
Me: ¡Sí! ¡Payasos! ¡Muy bien! ¡Payasos!
Ana: Payasos.
Me: Sí. ¡Muy bien!
Ana:
Me: ¡Soy el hermano de Molly!
Ana: (walks away)

I had prepared for certain vocabulary words that were sure to come up. I don't believe "¡Yo tengo tu nariz!" (Got your nose!) is a game in Guatemala, but the concept translates. They laugh, reassured, when they realize that their nariz is still there, and I laugh, reassured, when I realize that I can lie to children as a second language. The photo shows an orphan named Maribel "escalando la montaña", or climbing up the mountain.

It wasn't until my last day in Guatemala that I learned that "Payasos" is a brand of cigarettes in Guatemala. My shirt featured Guatemala's version of Joe Camel; a cute cartoon mascot who appeals to young people. I spent all day giving out hugs and high-fives to any orphan who said "Payasos" to me, and telling impressionable children that Payasos were very good. All of these adorable children who went crazy for the shirt are going to grow up to be chain smokers, and it's all my fault.

I just hope they don't try to take each other's noses.

There's a new giant billboard for a Kevin Costner film right at the 80/101 interchange in SF, the same spot I saw the legendary poster for the Costner-Kutcher Coast Guard buddy movie The Guardian. This must be a prime spot for Costner advertising, probably because bumper-to-bumper traffic reminds people of The Postman.

I try to keep abreast of all the latest Costnerian developments. I own (and am right now wearing) a t-shirt for Costner's band, Modern West. I re-watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves last month, and recognized my overgrown hairstyle in Costner's mullety wig. So I was excited to learn there was a new addition to the Costner canon.

[Digression: Much has been written about Costner's wretched British accent from that movie, but a fresh look at the film reveals that Christian Slater's accent is even worse. He sounds like he's doing an impression of Jack Nicholson doing an impression of Costner's bad accent, only about two octaves higher. My theory is that the producers cast Slater once they realized how bad Costner's accent was, in order to distract the audience. This also explains the casting of Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker's Dracula (to distract from Winona Ryder's accent), and Cameron Diaz in Gangs of New York (to deflect attention from DiCaprio's terrible brogue.]

The title "Swing Vote" led me to believe that this movie was going to feature Costner as a baseball player. I think America is eager for Costner to play an athlete again, even though he's 53. Instead, this movie is about a presidential election. Here's the synopsis:

Kevin Costner stars as Bud Johnson, an apathetic, beer slinging, lovable loser, who is coasting through a life that has passed him by, except for the one bright spot in his mundane existence, his precocious, over achieving twelve-year old daughter, Molly. She takes care of them both, until one mischievous moment on Election Day, when she accidentally sets off a chain of events which culminates in the presidential election coming down to one vote, her dads.

Suddenly, Bud Johnson, the nobody, becomes the voice for everybody when the world realizes that his vote will be the one that elects the next president. Politicians invade the small town of Texico, New Mexico and its unwitting inhabitants, waging war for Bud's vote.

So disappointing. Costner isn't a baseball player, Bill Maher makes an appearance as himself, and worst of all, Kelsey Grammer plays the president. I have an unnatural dislike for Grammer when he's not playing Frasier Crane or Sideshow Bob. My sisters don't like him either. Here's a conversation I had with my sister Molly about Grammer:

Sean: What has Kelsey Grammer been doing since Frasier went off the air?
Molly: Um, cocaine?

The only good thing about this premise is the potential for punny headlines for negative reviews:

Swing...and a Miss for Costner
America votes "No" on "Swing Vote"
I'd Rather Swing From a Noose Than Watch This Movie Again

Swing Vote opens on August 1, in theaters everywhere.

(composed four days into the trip)

Days since I have eaten a vegetable (if you don't count tomatoes): 4
Mustaches on display at the Oceanside Nightclub in Caye Caulker on "Ladies Night": 3
Number of consecutive Kenny Rogers songs played during Ladies Night: 3
Number of braid salons on Caye Caulker: 4
Percentage of televisions at Oceanside showing SportsCenter: 75
Percentage of televisions at Oceanside showing Adult Swim: 25
People shown on TV who looked like they'd fit right in at Oceanside: 2 (Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Stuart Scott)
Our slot machine winnings, in Belizean dollars: $12
Conversion rate, Belizean dollars: US dollars: 2:1
Number of beers that 12 BZ buys: 2
Number of different golf carts full of adults that hollered at a group of ice-cream-eating fourteen-year-old girls walking down the street in Caye Caulker: 3
Percentage of those hollerers inquiring about ice cream: 33%
Total boxes of saltine crackers used by my sister Molly to make snacks: 6
Times I have heard Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds": 8
Times I have worried about a thing: 0
Percentage of the time that every little thing has been alright: 100
Crabs we captured outside our beach house: 12
Number of edible crabs among those 12: 0
Mosquito bites suffered in Central America, to date: 1,492
Isn't that ironic?: Yes

I have returned from my trip to Guatemala and Belize, and Zembla has returned from hibernation. There's going to be a lot of vacation posts up here for the next few days, because riding through Belize in a pimped-out Bluebird school bus for hours on end gives you a lot of time for blog ideas and questionable comedic ideas.

Some of those questionable ideas were hypothetical titles for this series. Among them:

Guat You Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

Probably should be "Guillermo".

Don't Stop Belize'n

This would be stepping on the toes of my Journey-obsessed roommate.

Guat a Fool Belize

Too self-deprecating, though I could see Michael McDonald having a great time in Central America, piloting a yacht between Punta Gorda and Puerto Barrios and going snorkeling with college girls.

So I decided on Belize It Or Guat. Enjoy the series just as much as I enjoyed drinking tap water and flushing paper down the toilet upon my return to America.

As I approached AT&T Park, I wondered if I had been too hard on Singles Night. Maybe Singles Night would actually be a fun event. So I took some photos, and from the looks of things, no, it wasn't.

According to one of the disappointed attendees, there were "no fucking chicks, man". There was a man in a Tim Lincecum jersey who weighed approximately two-and-a-half time as much as Tim Lincecum.

When I took this photo, the DJ was urging the few remaining Singles to answer trivia questions for a sure-to-be-disappointing prize. The question that was stumping the crowd was, "When they were in New York, where did the Giants play? (Answer: The Polo Grounds.) A presumably drunk woman kept yelling, "Caaaaandlestick! Caaaaandlestick!"

So I don't know if anyone found love, but as this last picture demonstrates, Singles Night is all about bringing people together:

(I am wearing my SF Giants Starter jacket from seventh grade in that photo. Commence jealously whenevs.)

Tonight, I will be attending my third Giants game of the year, but coincidentally, my second Singles Night. I haven't done the actual Singles Night promotion, which includes a ticket to the game, an adult beverage, and admission to a small cordoned-off area behind the center field bleachers, where the world's saddest DJ spins records up until the National Anthem. There's also a cash bar, and a mysterious promotion called Bachelor at the Park (emphasis theirs).

It's understandable if you thought Singles Night referred to the team's general inability to hit with power. Last time, the highlights were as follows:

1. When Giants shortstop Brian Bocock came to bat, a man stood up in the bleachers and organized a cheer: "When I say, 'Bo', you say 'Cock'! Bo! Cock!" Huh huh. Cock.

2. For some reason, a group of ten fans were aggressively booing the cotton candy vendor. Maybe they were surprised his product dissolved so easily?

3. Reliever Vinnie Chulk came in to a surprisingly huge ovation from the right field seats. Perhaps these were the Chulkamaniacs? I'd like to see Vinnie "chulk up" on the mound at least once. I think that would involve Vinnie getting angry, trembling, then tearing off his shirt and firing a pickoff throw into right field.

Any Giants home game will lead to a lot of Missed Connections posts even on normal days, but Singles Night might cause an explosion.

"I saw you drunkenly heckling the Detroit outfielders for seven straight innings. I never realized so many things rhymed with "Ordonez"! Let me buy you a churro some time."

"I was the pretty brunette wearing the 2003 NL West Champions t-shirt. You had a backwards Giants cap and a sweet-looking goatee. We made eye contact briefly, just before you vomited against the side of the N-Judah. If you're out of the drunk tank by now, we should hang out."

"To the girl who spilled a nine-dollar beer while freak dancing next to Orlando's Cha-Cha Bowl stand: Nice tits."

"You were wearing a pink visor and a Barry Zito jersey. I was shirtless, with SF painted on my chest, fingerbanging you next to the Coca-Cola slide. Want to get coffee sometime?"

The Singles Area was deserted by the seventh inning, which I assume meant that everyone found love in the first six innings, or they were making out in the deserted Speed Pitch Zone. Let's hope tonight is half as romantic as that!